A trip to the jax furra piss

One would imagine that going for a piss in a pub is a fairly simple affair. It would appear, however, that it is far from a direct action & many other operations & activities need doing. 

Let’s say Freddie is out in town with a few mates & the group is having a convivial & chatty evening. Freddie has already been holding in a piss for over a pint & a half and can do it for no longer. Off he pops in a natural break in conversation despite having a line he thinks is witty but it’s just the piss talking.

Here are some of the things that Freddie may do &/or think on his voyage to & from the pub toilets.

Say ‘uh’ or ‘sorry’ to lads emerging while trying to navigate the two subsequent doors that are apparently required for jacks

Nod weirdly at others in the confined space of the pub toilets

Choosing a urinal or space along the urinal trough is a complex affair & is outside the scope of this paper

Exhale noisily while whipping it out

Check time on phone

Try to empty mind & get piss flowing

Check phone to see what time the guy who is always late is coming

Be relieved that piss has started to flow

Think about what time you need to be conscious in the morning

Cough & look to the ceiling

Cheekily Shazam a fart & be unsurprised that it returns Wham

Calculate how many more pints can fit in to the definition of ‘a relaxing midweek drink with friends’

Over-analyse a weird nod from another pisser & send out subtle ‘I’m not gay’ vibes  

Have pity for the lad in the cubicle making fierce noises of agony

Check phone to ensure that nobody from your table is texting you with the gossip you’re missing

Be disappointed that you’re missing out on potentially explosive bantz

Remember that you’re still standing at the urinal with an empty bladder

Cough again & fold away mickey

Ineffectually wash hands & partially dry them with the facilities that are provided 

With an undeserved sense of triumph, grin at a group of chung wans with no interest in anything you do

Repeat every twenty minutes until fifty minutes after last call

 

PISS HERE